Do the Frug

Anyone else enjoying the "intertextuality" of the line "I can do the Freddy"?
How I wish I were half as cool as Jenny Lewis. To have graced the screen in the glory that is Troop Beverly Hills and to currently sing in a fabulously quirky band that allows for equally fabulous and quirky solo albums? That's almost too much of a good thing!

Drop your scarf and create a story...

Lovely. Mystical. Fantastical.

Forbidden Images

Don't you all love the forbidden? I know I do-- the taboo makes it all so exciting. Can you believe that a glimpse of ankle used to be prohibited? Well, in the words of Cole Porter, "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on a something shocking, now heaven knows, anything goes!"
If I were to recreate these scandalous apparitions, my legwear would have to be lavender sheer silk stockings. Luminescent legs! Brilliant.
(courtesy of jezebelstationary.blogspot.com)

How do you be single?

I've just realized-- I am THAT girl.  The girl that everyone hates, the serial monogamist, the girl who doesn't know how to be when she's not in a relationship.  And what's terrible is that I have only just realized this, when a friend pointed it out to me.  In the past four years, since my junior year of college, I've always been either in a relationship or mourning one that ended. (I can't date anyone when I'm still upset over a relationship gone wrong-- it is not fair to me or to anyone else.)  My junior year I dated British Boy when I was in England, an intense four month or so relationship to which I did not know how to say goodbye-- so of course the aftermath/flirtation/mourning lasted until the next April, of my senior year, when I met Younger Guy.  He was Mr. Fraternity, I was Miss Sorority, and I found his obnoxious cockiness to be completely irresistible.  We had a brief but intense fling as I tried to compress my entire college career into a couple months, and then I mourned that relationship until early November.  And then I met Exbf at the end of November and we jumped into a relationship (literally!) in the beginning of December 2006.  A relationship that is only really just ending-- that tends to happen when two people can't let go of each other, even though things were difficult and complicated.  He has been mine for the last year and a half, and I have been his.  There has been nobody else.  We still have so much love for each other...just a different type of love than it used to be.  Not friendship love, not soulmate love any longer, just-- HollyG and Exbf love, unique to the two of us and stretching on, unending.  

This weekend I feel like something did end though.  A portion of our history-- the romantic part-- appears to have been clipped, and I worry that will change what we've had in the past.  He assures me that it does not and will not.  I sometimes call him Mr. Nonverbal, because like most guys, he has trouble giving voice to his feelings--so much as I know he loved and still loves me, it wasn't always put out there verbally.  Something like that tends to make an overanalytical girl assume the love wasn't meaningful and that as soon as he meets someone else (which he may have already...but that's a long and upsetting story that I'm not getting into now!) he'll say something like "Sure, I thought I loved HollyG at the time, but now I know that's not true."  But in my heart (and based on his recent words) I know I'm being paranoid.  I know that he loved me and we were happy, and his friends and family knew it; I know that once upon a time I had that love I thought only existed in books, specifically Francesca Lia Block novels, and that the ending of our relationship was a little too much like The Way We Were; I know that just because a relationship isn't conventional doesn't mean that it's not powerful, life-changing, and real.  And I know that not having him as my lover does make me feel a bit incomplete, although I'm ashamed to admit it.  I know that we are not supposed to be together right now, but I wish with all of my being that things were different, that timing had been different.

This past weekend I sat in Central Park with Exbf, my head settled on his legs and his hand stroking my hair.  I cried silent tears under my sunglasses and he wiped them away with his fingertips.  I yelled at him for things he couldn't change, things that still pain me today, and he told me that sometimes he thought I deserved more than what he could give me at the time.  We both struggled with the knowledge that we were changing and the fact that we still refuse to let each other go.  So now we begin the process of trying to be friends, when all we know how to do is love each other.

Which brings me back to my main point-- I am THAT girl.  I do not know how to be happy on my own, and I do not know how to find satisfaction from within.  I grew so used to having Exbf as a constant comfort in my life, and before that other guys as sources of "fixing," that I have no idea what to do now that I lack those things.  I do not want to be that woman who always has to depend on a man.  And I am not willing to settle for just any guy from now on, because I've had the real thing, and it was the most magical thing I've ever felt.  But at this point, when most of my friends are in serious relationships and I'm surrounded by diamond sparklers on left-hand ring fingers in DC, it is so difficult to not think that being single makes me less of a person.

How do I get happy with myself?  Until I am I will never be able to be in a successful permanent relationship.  I will also never be fulfilled.  So, how do you be single, grow to be happy with yourself, and grow to be self-sufficient?  And how do you then meet someone new, when you feel like you've already had the best?  I have no idea.   

Absentia

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry that I've been so absent.  I feel like this is a frequent apology lately.  Moving has definitely been a roller coaster, as has starting grad school, starting "teaching" (first day is tomorrow and I have the jitters), meeting new people, and dealing with some changes and endings-- or transformations, I guess.  Anyway, the main point is that I've been overwhelmed and caught inside what often feels like a cyclone, and I'm trying like hell to fight being sucked in again.  I just feel slightly slant, hence my absence.  Please forgive me and stay tuned, because I need this blog more than ever as a stabilizing force and a sounding board.

Signed,

Absently Emotional Educator

Mark, you are so wonderfully weird...

I am a sad sad lady.  Mark Kanemura, my favorite dancer by far on So You Think You Can Dance, was eliminated yesterday, along with my female favorite, Chelsie Hightower.  Mark is just such a beautiful and passionate dancer-- his Viennese waltz on Wednesday actually brought me to tears.  It's a combination of his delicacy, athleticism, and innovation, but as attractive as his dancing may be, what really sells him is his FACE.  I look at it and it's so full of profound emotion that he seems less in the midst of a routine and more in the depths of a life-changing experience, albeit one with lifts and turns.  Passion is a must for me, and it is written all over Mark's face.  And his hands, for that matter.  He has such graceful hands, and we all know about my hand fixation.

The main reason, however, for the Mark love is how wonderfully weird he is.  He attributes his dance style to his always being "a bit left of center," which, being a statement with which I greatly identify, makes me want to conquer my clumsiness and take dance classes.  I can't sleep because my feet are moving under my covers, longing to participate in close holds and leg wraps and pirouettes and leg extensions.  I want to be interpretive and create my own weirdnesses.  Showing his true classiness, Mark thanked his fans in his final interview for giving him a chance despite his difference.  Being able to preserve your quirkiness and have that make you lovable instead of laughable?  That is what I seek everyday, and I'm so thankful for Mark's beautiful dancing to serve as an inspiration.  Best of luck, Mark!  If you're ever in D.C. maybe you'll do a dance or two for this left of center lady? (if that sounded dirty at all, it truly was not intended to be!!!)  Anyway, here are some stills of some of Mark's greatest hits.

Oh Fred Flare, you are such a happy place...

So the next time I get sad or depressed, I'm just going to hug my tears.  That's right, I'm just going to embrace a big fluffy tear and say, "It's okay, you'll be gone soon enough."

Fred Flare has actually made this possible, with Hug Your Sorrow Plush Tears.  It's remarkable.  I can't justify spending $30 for a stuffed uh, bodily fluid at age 24, but it's nice to know that things like this exist!

And of course, while I was on the site, I couldn't help but notice this, this, and this.  The owl ring may have to happen.

I think I'm in love...with screen shots

Limbo

I'm currently in Cleveland again, having just had my wisdom teeth out.  Ouch.  It's a very strange sensation.  I keep feeling the stitches with my tongue and thinking it's some sort of food stuck in my teeth in the back.  And the jaw pain is another pleasant sensation (NOT!!).  Not to mention the fat face.  It's back to DC on Friday, so I'm hoping we have significant improvement by then, and then my first day of class is on Monday, so I'm definitely hoping the pain/ugliness has lessened!

To pass the time I've been rereading Anne of Avonlea.  I think of myself as a bit of an Anne-- redheaded, passionate, always imagining and always getting into scrapes.  Of course, I'm far less "well isn't this the most lovely world ever!" than Anne-- call me Anne plus a hefty dose of realism.  I do look at teaching much like Anne does-- changing children's lives and helping them to be the best students they can be, although I would definitely play favorites for Paul Irving.  And give Jen Pringle a serious reality check.

Oh, and maybe I'm a bit of a romantic like Anne, too...

"I don't want diamond sunbursts and marble halls.  I just want you."

Adjustment

I've forgotten how to adjust to new surroundings.  Which is problematic, since my new situation definitely calls for adjustment.  I don't think that a single thing is similar to my life in New York.  Gone is my tiny apartment in my quaint building-- hello, high rise.  Gone are my street smarts.  In New York I felt comfortable walking anywhere at any hour.  Now in DC, all of these zones are restricted-- don't go here, don't go there, which results in going to the same 5 places all of the time.  That may be okay for college, but I didn't act like I was in college even when I was in college!  Gone are the hipsters, artists, small dogs, and individuals.  Hello, preppy.  Hello politics.  I'm so overwhelmed by all of these new streets, with their NW, SW, etc, and these diagonal streets.  I know that DC isn't all about confusing streets, preppy people, country club families, and the same cheesy fratty bars.  There has to be some sort of arts scene-- thrift shops, creperies, indie bands, craft fairs, old movies, galleries.  Restaurants that only sell one type of food.  Chocolate shops that double as sunglasses stores.  Foreign and specialty food stores.  I know I've been here for such a short time, but I just feel like there are pieces of me that just can't find corresponding locations in this city.  Or kindred spirits.

Readers, any suggestions for DC area places I might like?  Places of art, soul, and beauty?  Or ways to adjust to a new city?  I'm floundering a bit here!  It's normal to be a bit flummoxed when moving to a new city, but I'd prefer to not have to deal with all of the ups and downs of moving-- my entire two years in New York were enough drama to last a lifetime!

Art Nouveau-Art Deco

When I was in Prague, I loved the curvilinear architecture of the Old City.  Candy colors, flowing lines, the prevalence of Mucha's work.  In Paris I looked for the scrolling letters at the Metro stations.  In England, I walked through Mayfair, stopping to peer through the window at Cafe Royal and imagine dining with the likes of Oscar Wilde and Aubrey Beardsley.  When I started studying Victoriana more in depth, I was fascinated by the arts and crafts movement, the glittering aestheticism and how that led to the decadent art of the 1890s, which in turn transformed into the ornate curls of Art Nouveau and later Art Deco.  My favorite museum in New York is the Neue Gallery, which houses so many of Gustav Klimt's gold-leafed, botanical-filled masterpieces.  Now I can see the same motifs in joyful Scandinavian designs, especially Tord Boontje's laser cuts, and Brocade Home designs.  And in my new vine covered bedspread, Erte prints, hurricane lamp, yellow bedside table, and curved-legged dresser.  And the painting of the ever-inspirational Chrysler building hanging in the living room.

So of course I'm loving the latest from Anthropologie, a timeline tracing arts and crafts wallpaper to the aforementioned Chrysler building and integrating some of Anthro's current designs.  I love the continuity, how inspiration grows and changes over the ages but remains permanent in its flux.  Art harmony, indeed!

How to create the modern cottage?

Well, the DC/Northern Virginia move will take place in 5 days, which is frightening to me.  I've also discovered-- of course-- that DC and Cleveland have absolutely no banks in common, which means that I will have to drain my account on Thursday (because of the 4th of July, stupid bank holiday), get a cashier's check for the [very small] amount in there, find a bank that is prevalent in both NoVa and DC, open said new account, and deposit not only the remainder of my Chase balance but also the bonds that have been accruing interest since my birth.  That money is definitely needed now, since there is no word on my loans yet and I will not start getting my monthly stipend money from the Fairfax County schools until September.  Never mind that I start taking classes in August.

The last few weeks have been occupied by the thought that my bedroom is depressing.  Before I was worrying more about the shared areas in the apartment, since that's what guests will be seeing most of the time.  But then with a flash I thought, what about me??  I'm so used to having a studio that the concept of "bedroom" is still very new to me.  My old studio (see below) was a refuge-- albeit a messy one in these pictures.  But my new bedroom is very, well, beige.  Wall to wall carpet in beige.  Vanilla walls.  Doors on two walls that make furniture placement difficult.  And a resolution not to paint the walls a pretty green shade since I don't know how long I'll be in this place and I don't want the hassle of painting it back. 

My old bedding was a typical shabby chic white (you know, brushed with gray, or "tea staining") with washed out blue roses with equally washed out green leaves.  But in my little sleeping loft, especially nestled between green walls, it never felt depressing.  But transplant that washed-out bedspread into a washed out, relatively large room...not too pretty, and pretty much a guarantee for year-round Seasonal Affective Disorder.

So, for cure number 1, we have new bedding, which didn't break the bank due to being on sale at Crate and Barrel and paid for with a gift card that my mom would have otherwise never used.  I think it is quite cottage like!

Then we have the matter of what to do to create visual interest without shelling out the money for a headboard...will the pink painting that I had over my couch work?  Or should I give in and shell out the money for a headboard?  Making an upholstered headboard-- in a white or beige-- will just end more of the blahs.  The next problem, however, is how to mix up these linens so that they don't look so "matchy-matchy."  And to add some more color-- without spending money.  I'm thinking one or two of these?  Or attempting to recreate them myself.  The main idea is that things should look playful and elegant, yet quirky and quaint.  I'm so clueless!!