20 November 2007

Here I am

It's hard to post on a blog for the first time-- I can't quite get over the idea of exposure! I guess I'll think of it as a bit of a You've Got Mail phenomenon, sending a thought out into the cosmic void.
I'm back in the Midwest for Thanksgiving, which always makes me think about my childhood and my past and how so many little things in my life have made me happy over the years. I wore my grandmother's coat today because mine was at the dry-cleaners, and just being wrapped up in Grammy's old knit peacoat made me miss her a lot. She was one of those women who always appreciated the beautiful things in life, no matter how small. She always had fresh flowers in her house; she always had those decorative soaps that are in the bathroom just to look pretty. She lived her life with class and grace, which are qualities that I always try to embody, but at the same time she wasn't a pushover. That is something I definitely need to work on. I like to think that this new stage of my life is all about being true to myself and what I believe in, with a little guidance from the memories I have of my grandmother and grandfather.
Overall I guess I believe in decency and fulfillment. I believe in being a good person and that good things should follow those who strive to be good. So without revealing too much about myself to the "cosmic void," let's just say that for the past year or more I'd been in a rut career-wise, and I ended that rut last week. I couldn't handle the negativity and abuse (I guess that's the only word that can describe it) of my job, or the fact that I was basically told on a daily basis that something was wrong with me. Not my performance, but my personality. Like I said before, I believe in being true to myself, and the task of being submerged in such a cruel atmosphere was wearing me down and turning me into a person I didn't like being. I will not tolerate someone telling me I'm worthless. So I made a choice. Some would say this was a foolish choice because now I have no idea how I'm going to support myself and am living off savings for a bit until I find something new (to last until graduate school-- hooray! I made a decision!). But I stood up for what I believe in: human decency and truth.
So since I started out talking about You've Got Mail, which is how I got on this whole tangent of my grandmother and life beauty in the first place, I guess I'll close with two quotes from that movie. Oh, and the reminder that I was a Storybook Lady once upon a time and I rocked it.

Birdie, to Kathleen Kelly: "You're daring to march into the unknown armed with...nothing. Have a sandwich."
Kathleen Kelly: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

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