15 December 2014

I lied, but now I tell the truth

Before, I swore-- more than a year ago-- that I had returned. I don't know what kept me from actually returning. It certainly wasn't that I was blissfully happy and off living a new, adventure-filled life; I can't actually remember what I was doing in May of 2013. I know that I was preparing to get a dog, thinking that he would somehow solve all of my problems. And I did get a dog, and he's wonderful and the love of my life, but he certainly didn't solve all of my problems. My problems remained, and added to that I was now responsible for someone else.
I don't mean to make it sound like my life was-- or is-- horrible. It is not. It is FAR from horrible, much closer to lovely. But I know that last year was a very tough one, and I have a feeling that while the year before that cannot compare, it was also quite taxing, and while writing should be a way of coping with all of that, sometimes I feel that writing it all down actually lifts the lid off the box. Does that make sense? It's like putting pen to paper-- or finger to key, as the case may be-- takes things that were previously resting prettily, folded up in tissue paper and hidden in a secret corner, and makes them float out into the world, where they cannot be contained. More importantly, it makes them float up into my own consciousness, and suddenly I have to deal with them. I have to admit that they're present, and that can make them seem so much worse.
An obsessive brain like mine often cannot let these things go. My brain dwells-- that's what it does. It also spins. I have to listen to podcasts at night, filtering in other people's words so that mine become diluted or filtered out entirely. So, to return back to my original thought, acknowledging those words by putting them down in writing makes it all the more difficult to tune them out. I also find it difficult to engage in the weighing of words that must happen when I blog if I wish to maintain my anonymity, that "goodnight dear void" quality of writing that would be sacrificed if these ruminations could be tied back to my real life beyond the page. I spend too much time in my daily life measuring words, scraping truths off the top like one does with excess flour; having to do so here would be excruciating. But, then, so would not writing. So has been not writing.
So I return here with an unclear purpose: How to balance honesty with delusion? Anonymity with confession? Freedom with caution? I don't know. But I'm certainly going to try. Goodnight, dear void.

14 May 2013

Years later...

I'm back.  I'm not quite sure what to make of this return yet, but I just need a place to write.  To cultivate inspiration.  To force myself to resurrect bits and pieces of who I used to be (while remaining true to my new, stronger self).  I was happy when I wrote, and I'd like to be that way again.

Shall we?

“For a moment, I felt as if the universe had turned upside down and we were falling softly into an enormous black bowl of stars, and I knew, beyond any doubt, that everything was going to be alright.” 
~Tana French~

03 November 2010

just call me angel of the morning

Brooch. Brooch. Brooch.
One word, one syllable. So much more.
Yes, it's a little sparkle. But. It's also a throwback to another era...
It's class, joy, a ruby-lipped pout, a sepia still, pinned to a cardigan sweater.
It's beauty in a moment, and I'm thankful for that.

26 October 2010

in the wee small hours of the morning

I'm thinking about Sleepless in Seattle, and peeling an apple in one long, curly strip. Like magic.
You know my problem? I want to be in love in a movie. Houseboats and radios, tiramisu and teddy bears...bring it on. Let's catch that last elevator, shall we?

21 October 2010

how do I get you alone

I love this. I love its whimsy, its soothing tones...but most of all, its message.

06 October 2010

Thank you India, thank you frailty...

Honestly, the last few days have not been easy. I've alternated between poles of feeling fine and comforted, and then utterly depressed and despondent. I've gone between thinking myself beautiful and admiring my independence, to bemoaning my failings and looking at his profile...with a relationship status and wall postings that he's still (still!) neglected to tell me about. Thank you, social networking newsfeed, for messing with my mind.
But no matter. I've forced myself to start completing daily gratitude lists so that I don't forget that even though some big aspects of my life have strayed from the desired path, there are still plenty of daily joys. I am lucky, even though I may not acknowledge it sometimes.
I'm reading Our Town with the ninth-graders right now, and I can't help but see its applicability to my current circumstances. On the surface, my life may seem mundane, but it still has unique jewels that shine through; I have attempted to relive the past, but like Emily Webb, I've come to learn that there is beauty in the present: "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it-- every, every minute?"
I have to believe that things will get better, a faith in the future which may negate my attempts to live in the present. This mixtape illustrates those hopes, so I call it "Better."

1. "Better Things" by The Kinks
2. "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" from Sweet Charity
3. "Today Will Be Better, I Swear" by Stars
4. "Good Times Gonna Come" by Aqualung
5. "This Is Where It Gets Good" by Eels
6. "Better" by Regina Spektor
7. "Feeling Good" by My Brightest Diamond
8. "It's Gettin Better (Man!)" by Oasis
9. "The Good Stuff" by Schuyler Fisk
10. "I'm Gonna Make It Better" by She & Him
11. "Pretty Good Year" by Tori Amos
12. "Closer to Fine" by Indigo Girls
13. "Daydream Believer" by the Monkees
14. "Nobody Does It Better" by Radiohead
15. "Be Good to Yourself" by Journey
16. "Beautiful World" by Coldplay
17. "Good Heart" by the Mynabirds
18. "Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls
19. "For Good" from Wicked
20. "At My Most Beautiful" by R.E.M.
21. "On Top of the World" by the Carpenters
22. "They Can't Take That Away From Me" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong
23. "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House
24. "Up on the Roof" by James Taylor and Carole King
25. "Darlin Do Not Fear" by Brett Dennen
26. "Don't Look Back" by O.M.D.
27. "Learnalilgivinanlovin" by Jens Lekman
28. "What Me Worry" by St. Vincent

What songs would be on your "Better" mix? Please share! I need as much magical music as I can get.

"you always said I was a dreamer
but now I know who's dreaming deep"
~stars~

04 October 2010

We have no past, we won't reach back, keep with me forward all through the night...

My friend Louise hit it right on the nose today: I live in the past instead of in the present.
On one level, this is good for my career: after all, a literature teacher has to not only understand but appreciate the past, not only understand context but live in it by loving it. However...
I remember too well. I hold onto memories like they're sign-posts, like life-preservers. I stay still instead of moving with the current. Every story that I tell, every reference point, is to college, or England, or New York, (or ex-bf). I haven't formed any new stories in the last three years. Well, I'm not exactly sure how to go about it...but it's time to take care of myself in more than one realm. My entire life cannot be my career. And honestly, I think I've used exbf as an excuse to avoid moving forward, and now that he's moved forward-- for real this time-- it brings my pathetic reliance on him into too-harsh light. My anger's not at him for being happy: it's at myself for not doing enough to make me happy.
How do you let the sign-posts and life-preservers go, though, when you've gotten used to being stuck? I can't even picture myself doing something crazy, like dating, or like re-structuring my life so that a boy who got it wrong a lot of the time is not the locus of my romantic orbit. I really have fallen into a rut: my life resembles Our Town not just in its simple joys but in its supreme absence of risk and its reliance on routine. How do I start? How do I get back some of what I was in the past without dwelling in it, but while propelling myself forward to the future? I just don't want to be Blanche DuBois, fictionalizing and falsifying, dwelling in a beautiful dream of yesteryear at the expense of joy, sanity, and the foreseeable future...

"And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on a carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came
And go round and round and round in the circle game."
~joni mitchell~

"Can't repeat the past? Why of course you can!"
~the great gatsby~

"I was blinded from the constant looking back: Lot's wife. I only ever saw the gathering clouds."
~the poisonwood bible~

26 September 2010

like the cactus tree...being free...

I bring it back again-- the metaphor of the cactus tree, full and hollow, according to lovely Joni's words. I hope that you've had the chance to listen to the song, but in a nutshell, it's about a girl who avoids commitment in favor of self-actualization and freedom. I always come back to it: the idea of the beauties and treasures relationships can bring, but the paralysis they sometimes cause; the competing tensions of security and wanderlust. A heart that's full and hollow, indeed.
This image has borne down especially heavily upon me this weekend. Without revealing too much about myself, I'll say that this weekend marked the nupitals of one ex-best-friend from college, a toxic friend who caused me much insecurity in the past and is the major reason that I've resisted having an all-consuming "best friend" ever since. In college, I was the one who dreamed smaller and pictured myself settling down sooner rather than later; she dreamed of Ph.D.s and shining seas, a successful career and exotic locale. Then I introduced her to her now-husband. Then we had a falling-out when I realized the crushing nature of her friendship and her sabotage of several of my romantic relationships. Then I went abroad and grew and thrived, moved to Manhattan, then to DC, then back to the midwest, all the while dreaming about new lands to conquer and new adventures to be had. I loved and lost and finally loved myself more. My need for adventure outshone my desire for marriage, while she moved to the suburbs, abandoned professorship, taught the lower grades (when she'd always rebuked my desire to teach high school), got engaged and now married...to the man she would not have met were it not for me. Odd, huh?
Three things have preoccupied me in the last few days and have led to several soul-sucking nightmares. First of all, if I consider my wanderlust and dedication to my career a choice, than why do I consider her marriage a "good thing" that happened to a "bad person"? What does that say about me that despite everything I've achieved, I still consider my life to be incomplete because a ring "gives a woman's life value"? Second, assuming I've reconciled the "good thing" question, why do good things happen to bad people? Whatever happened to karma, and when will I get my due? The last few years may have been exciting, but they have never been easy or stable. Third, is a desire for adventure and travel and self-reliance incompatible with security and marriage? I keep having these nightmares that I get married but I know intuitively that it is wrong: either I can't fathom "forever," or I know I've chosen the wrong person, or I feel like I'm being untrue to myself by allying myself with somebody else. Still, despite these anxieties, I still find myself peering at other women's engagement rings and wondering if others judge me to be deficient in some way because I don't have a man. My best friends are all either married or in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, and I often don't fit in with their discussions or gatherings. It's a tough battle to face, especially alone. And then I wonder whether my life is really that free...most of the time, my head seems absorbed with other people's concerns and more and more demands pressed upon my energy.
I wish these thoughts weren't on my mind. I wish that my ex-best-friend had gotten her karmic dose and fooled fewer people (even though I then feel terrible for wishing someone ill). I wish I found someone who would allow me my freedom. I wish that I were less drained of energy and could therefore force myself to see the beauty in my life. I wish that sleep soothed me instead of plaguing me. I just wish for answers and for a semblance of resolve that I have made the right choices and that good things are in my future.

"You don't want to love-- your eternal and abnormal craving is to be love. You aren't positive, you're negative. You absorb, absorb, as if you must fill yourself up with love, because you've got a shortage somewhere."
~d.h. lawrence~

"Let yourself fall in love, if you haven't done so already. You are wasting your life."
~d.h. lawrence~

"I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regret."
~d.h. lawrence~

22 August 2010

catch a falling star (don't let me fall, stars)

I can't sleep, so I feel the need to hide in the poetry of it all.
I long for gold shimmer glinting off smooth canal waters and soft words whispered in my ear.
Hands clasp my waist and suspend me, Phoenix-like, off railings and over ripples.
You may turn me to ash, but I will rise up in renewal and joy.
You may break me, but my ruins will be my rebirth.
Raise me up: let me gaze upon you from on high and let all traces of soot fade to cool green.
In reflection, upside down, my world makes more sense to me; an inverted hourglass under the bridge.
An undying balance, acres between me and raw and cruel.
I am and will be the center of my story.
"Let the world forsake me,
Let them do their worst,
I shall withstand it all,
They will not break me."

...And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial...

31 July 2010

You won't get too far from me believing everything you read

Leaving for Amsterdam tomorrow! It's going to be rainy, but I'm sure the old stone streets reflected in puddles will be doubly lovely. Pia's photographs have been providing welcome inspiration and excitement.

29 July 2010

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked

I can't wait. September 24th.
"angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night..."

On another intellectual note, I have not yet met my summer goal to finish reading Lolita, and it's almost back to school time! (and I'm woefully underprepared) It's a good thing that I have 9 hours on a plane on Sunday.

That's right, dearest readers-- I'm going to AMSTERDAM! I've never been before, and I'm so excited. It will be a whirlwind trip, because I have to go to a wedding in Poland after, but I'm hoping to absorb as much culture-- and a bit of obligatory tourism-- as I can in 3.5 days. Do you have any words of advice, suggested itineraries, or "must see" places? Or phonetic pronunciations of Dutch words?

28 July 2010

we're all the same, the men of anger and the women of the page

I promised to publish the second "manifesto" that impressed me. Now, forgive the writing; I will say that the sentence structure leaves something to be desired and sometimes have the philosophical wordiness of an art history textbook. (Have you ever tried to read one of those? Pure torture.) However, the sentiments ring pure: sharing the joy of the written word, recreating the fleeting nature of poetry through their own mobility, spreading the self-improvement institution that is the library, and growing wisdom throughout the world. I'm talking about the Itinerant Poetry Librarian.

In terms of the project’s philosophy: it touches on so many things that to try and sum it up in one neat sentence just isn’t possible. But now that we’ve had some time to sit down and collate our thoughts, if you will, we can tell you that the major issues we touch on, and are seeking to negotiate, are: the idea of poetry as a unique form of human communication, and thus a unique form of knowledge; and the idea of the public library as both recycling-knowledge space and civic space – concepts which we believe can also be used as models for sustainable growth in order to oust ourselves from the current cul de sac that is consumer-led, maximum profit-centred culture.

Surrounding these two core theories is the concept of liminality, both in the architectural sense: the conceptual, ephemeral relationships between people and spatial environments (installation and live performance art as a practice of liminality, library practice beyond physical building environments); and in the post-feminist (Luce Irigaray) and post-structuralist (Michel Foucault) sense of the hybridisation of forms of knowledge, experience and practice, that is, an exploration based on where and how ‘things’ meet, rather than where and how ‘things’ become ‘separate’ or are examined on the basis of differentiation. The blurring of borders and boundaries: that’s what we’re interested in exploring, the periphery of the periphery – or, as one recent new member of the library put it, the event horizon, in fact.

In terms of the ‘liminality’ of our library, this is essentially represented in both the library practice itself – operating without the confines of a building, so we literally install the library pretty much anywhere we manage to get to – and in the ‘liminal’ ethos of the library’s collection of items. The collection ethos – our acquisition policy, seeks to recognise and re-negotiate the ephemeral nature of poetry, in the sense of both its oralcy, and its continued existence in the outer realms of the ‘literature’ world. So, as you see, we’re back to the periphery of the periphery again.

Floating amongst all this are several further conceptual and literal explorations of sustainability: which centre on the core concepts of sharing and redistribution (of resources, knowledge etc.) and collectivity (working together, sharing together). These ideas have been generated, and expanded, throughout the project’s timeline, as we continued to explore, and find ourselves necessarily negotiating, these ideas (and thus their practical applications) in order to quite literally operate the project, in and of itself, and to maintain the ongoing growth and development of the project through time.

All of these ideas feed in to, and seek to help address, what we see as the key issues of our time: recognising the limits of our world’s resources, recognising that we may live ‘alone’ but that we share this world with others, recognising that the answers we seek are best addressed by a collective, civic-mindedness, that places health, education, lifelong learning, and ‘life experience’ above and beyond the pearly gates of simply making money.

Anyone can make money. It’s what you do with it that counts.

Essentially, we see that our work is about re-placing these notions of humanity, these values, back into our cultures: for if we do not, our cultures, our world – we – will not survive. Bertolt Brecht asked “What keeps mankind alive?” All the world over people have been answering his question, but the answers have been getting quieter and more and more subsumed by the burble of consumer-led culture.

It’s time to reclaim the conversation, and sing a song for (wo)mankind once again.

In homage to Brecht, our recent engagement with all things library-related and Germany, and our vision of the library as the curated collective mind and knowledge-space of our species, we’re christening this movement, this mindset, this concept and practice as:

Gymendecology.

It investigates human development from a systems analysis point of view, starting with the:

D (Data) ---> I (Information) ---> K (Knowledge) ---> W (Wisdom) model.

It encompasses:

Sustainability (Ecology of the Library)
Collectivity (The Commons / Copyright / The Library)
Recycling (The Library)
Alternative Distribution (Publishing / The Internet / The Library)
Redistribution (Publishing / The Internet / The Library)
Liminality (The Library / Poetry)
Civics (The Library as Civic Space / Democracy / Human Rights)
Civility (The Library as Citizen Space / Collective Social Minded-ness / Democracy / Human Rights)
Welfare (The Library as Knowledge Portal for Lifelong Learning and Development)
Society & Culture (The Library as Collective Cultural Archive / Knowledge Curator)

It is about exploring knowledge, and how we ‘attain’ or ‘acquire’ knowledge, as humans, from birth to death, and how this feeds and sustains our evolution, our development, as a species.