04 April 2009

The aesthetic solitary

I just took a Facebook quiz on "What writer/author is the voice of your SOUL?".  The answer?

Your Result: Anais Nin
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You are Anais Nin. An incurable romantic, dancer to the tune of a thousand piano solos reverberating across the stars. For you, dreams are necessary to life. Although age does not protect you from love... love, to some extent, protects you from age. You will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which you cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. You do not seek the 'because' - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.

Makes sense.  Sometimes I feel like I live in a dream world in which everything is all haze and I don't fit in with anything I see.  Tonight I especially feel that way.  I moved here with a huge group of friends waiting for me.  Now it seems that they just move forward and leave me with my wheels spinning in the dust.  I will not be the girl who is constantly chasing after people.  That is not me, and if they keep moving, maybe I should just let them go.  I am sick and tired of having to run after them to find out what is going on this weekend and if (yes, if) I'm invited.  I guess my problem is that I have never fit in, nor have I wanted to, and that makes finding friends unbelievably difficult.  My parents keep yelling at me for not putting myself "out there" (out where, I ask you?), but I am not the type of person who can just go to social gatherings by herself, knowing nobody, and then can go up to complete strangers and make inane small talk, all the while putting forward a version of herself that is completely and utterly fake.  I feel like it's asking them to take pity on me for my lameness and my inability to form lasting friendships.  I just wonder where to go from here.  I seem to be a square peg in a round hole wherever I go, and I don't know how much more of this loneliness and alienation I can take.  

Sometimes I wish I could be like a snake and just shed my skin.  Life might be easier.

1 comment:

Pixie July said...

Sounds like an interesting quiz! This post has really struck a nerve with me - yesterday I came to the realisation that the only close friends I have had, since childhood, have gradually, one by one, moved on or moved away (as in intercontinental away). I've never been a fan of following the crowd and going out for the sake of being seen to be hanging out with shallow acquaintances, and yes, sometimes it does feel like my parents are disappointed that I haven't been able to draw a large circle of socialite friends around me - in fact, the only person I really feel close to is my greatest friend of 6 years, who is now moving to the US. It's times like these I feel torn between what I can only define as an inbuilt solitariness, and the loneliness it causes. I don't know if Nietzsche's quote means anything to you, but it comforts me!:- "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privelige of owning yourself."
On a happier note, I'm glad your new apartment is sorted out and spectacularly lovely - like your Etsy finds! Thank you for another thought-provoking post. I hope things look up soon, my lovely. xx