15 April 2009

Brutal honesty (heart on my sleeve)

Exbf is coming to visit this weekend, and I suddenly find myself being terrified by the eventuality, by the possibility and lack of possibility.  The rational side of me knows that this shouldn't be an issue anymore.  We both have our separate lives, and in the end, he couldn't give me what I needed.  Correction: he couldn't give me what I deserved, which was affection without trepidation.  But the thing about love is, even though you're no longer "in love" with someone anymore, unless there was some sort of blow-up knock-down drag-out fight, love is like energy.  It can't be destroyed, it just changes forms (meaning that in its many incarnations, it's bound to touch back on its original form or to trick you into believing it, at least for a weekend).
I sometimes feel like our life together is like a snowglobe: most of the time, it is sitting on a shelf, a placid souvenir, but occasionally (namely, when we get together and I convince him to leave behind his logical side) we take it off the shelf and shake it.  It's gorgeous, but it's anything but calm.  
I want to shake up the snowglobe this weekend-- but the thing is, I don't want to be left with the aftermath of sadness and loneliness, nor do I want his logic to kick in and lead him to say, "Hmm, maybe we just should let it be.  It looks so nice just sitting there, and we wouldn't want to spoil the arrangement."  That would be humiliating for me, and I don't know why.
In the end, it's still so frustrating to me to know that I am not yet at that point where I can make myself happy on my own.  I just want him to tell me I'm beautiful and for us to be able to go back in time, even if it's just for a weekend, so that I can feel wanted, so that my mind can be erased of all stresses and so that love will be the only item on my agenda.  I want kisses on my eyelids and and escape to simplicity, even if it is not the best choice...Sometimes you just need to be held by someone who matters.

Why am I frightened?  Why am I trembling?  Both the possibility and the impossibility are too much to bear...
"Hold your breath, because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again...
Don't make me change my mind."
"Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
I could drink a case of you, darling
 And I would still be on my feet."

"Songs are like tattoos
You know I've been to sea before..."


Sara said...

So beautifully written...I just had to read it all over again. I hope your weekend ends up the way you want it. And don't forget that, after all, we all "dwell in possibility"...

Pixie July said...

I know what you mean about loving people - this made me think of one of my favourite E.M.Forster quotes: "It isn’t possible to love and to part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.” Which isn't necessarily always a good thing!! Your posts lately have been heart-rending. Your letter to yourself was beautiful, and you should believe it. And as for the Dan/Jake Ryan exposition... what can I say? Truer words never spoken! My friend and I came to the realisation last year that men worthy of romantic interest are over thirty, fictional or dead (the exceptions are already taken). A year on, the theory's still watertight! ^^ Really hope things look up, my lovely - let us know how this weekend goes. xxx

jayne said...
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jayne said...

that snowglobe metaphor is so beautiful and perfect. I'm sorry you are still uncomfortable alone, but at least you recognize this and are not totally blind to your ex's effect on you, good luck this weekend

disa said...