08 June 2009
failure at life
I've really done it this time. Seriously, I have screwed up so badly that I don't know if there's recovery from this one. In the last few days I have disgraced my self-esteem, damaged my ex-love's opinion of me, and seriously threatened the new love interest's chances of sticking around.
A bit of background on the new guy (who very well might not be the new guy anymore after my display of freakishness): we met about 10 days ago and as of Friday had already been on 3 dates. He's successful and sweet and was seemingly crazy about me until lukewarm actions made me wonder how someone's feelings could change so drastically in just 2 days. Did we have an expedited honeymoon phase that is now over? Or am I just being overanalytical and interpreting all of his actions as pulling away? Maybe by freaking out about something nonexistent I am actually creating the problem?
My thoughts are getting all muddled and turning into babbling, which is definitely not one of my most attractive qualities. I also, when overwhelmed (such as I was when meeting the friends on Friday), tend to turn into Prim Polly. My teacher persona comes out with a vengeance, and suddenly I'm a Victorian in the midst of a bunch of Elizabethan rabble-rousers. I even found myself, on Saturday morning after spending the night, launching into a nerves-induced explanation of the difference between an adjective and an adverb. Yes, I know he loves Mad Libs, but still, that does not mean that he loves grammar dorks. And yes, I know that whoever I'm with should love me for me, but it's been ten days, and I think my dorkdom may be something that needs to be eased into. Lord knows he has his dorky, sensitive side too, but lately it just seems to be overshadowed by his equivalent love for playoff sports and beer.
Maybe it's one too many viewings of He's Just Not That Into You, maybe it's watching all of my friends in happy, healthy relationships, but I have come to believe that if I'm not number 1 or 2 on a guy's priority list, and this does apply to the very beginning of relationships as well, then he's not really interested in me. This guy could not get enough of me last week, and I was walking around as if I were walking on clouds. Suddenly he's so busy that we'll have to play it by ear whether we can see each other this week. If he were really interested, wouldn't he make time? Or does that rule not apply to the beginning of relationships, when everything is still so raw, fresh, and vulnerable?
With all of these thoughts in my head and my anxieties about New Guy's seeming about-face from Saturday morning's cuddles, drive home, and kiss goodbye, I proceeded to make the stupidest choice ever on Sunday afternoon, and now I can't shake the guilt and the feeling that I cosmically ruined the would-be-magical by tainting it. And I've shaken up three people's feelings in the process.
What did I do that was so destructive and stupid? Exbf was in town. Is that enough? And yes, one thing did lead to another, and yes, afterward (even though this has been happening for years now) I felt dirty, ashamed, borderline unfaithful (even though New Guy and I have no arrangement), and confused. I also realized that I'm no longer in love with Exbf-- afterward, all I could think about was how I felt that my actions might ruin things with New Guy, whom I really like. I know that these are two separate incidents, but my brain merged the two and not only do I feel like my messed-up actions have destroyed any chances of success with New Guy, but I have also hurt Exbf, who means the world to me. My words caused him pain, and I feel terrible about that-- I don't think that he wanted to feel that the love that had been a given for so long was now ranked lower in importance than something burgeoning and uncertain.
I know this is a lot of personal information, dear readers, but I don't know who else to turn to. I feel like an utter failure at life, and if things don't work out with New Guy, I feel that it must be something that I did, whether my dorkiness, my cosmic screw-up, or my urge to fix said cosmic screw-up by being in contact all of the time and eliminating any chance of the chase.
What to do? Sometimes I think that my desire for everything to come together leads for me to destroy everything I have...
"Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword!"