21 January 2010

till now, I always got by on my own

To me, the scariest thing is not that he (exbf) and I are really over this time. It's the possibility that I won't find someone new, that I've lost my "chance." Yes, I've dated since, but every time I've found the process repulsive, and I've made an excuse for why things couldn't continue. I'm picky, and I don't want my pickiness to be my downfall. I just don't know how to be in this city, the heart of the good ol' Midwest, where there seem to be no people around my age, where people get married as soon as they leave college, where finding a sensitive, attractive Jewish guy is about as likely as an avalanche.
It's funny-- even though I swore I was okay, some of my coworkers suspected otherwise. "I'm fine," I said, over and over, "it's no different, just permanent this time. We need to preserve our friendship. Yeah, three years, but it was on and off. Yes, he knows me better than anyone. Yes, I can predict what he will order and the position he'll sleep in that night. But it's fine." I know I've said it before, but how do I build up from scratch? I never realized how much I counted on us eventually finding our way back to each other permanently. I feel like part of me has been yanked from my body.
I legitimately thought I would just go on, without any display of emotion or anxiety over change, until I misplaced my driver's license when I got home. I'd taken it off of my dresser and put it in my wallet, and then it was nowhere to be found. I searched everywhere-- my purse; between couch curtains; my car; the parking lot next to my car; coat pockets. Per exbf's suggestion, I then check the irrational places that I, of all people, would be likely to put an ID in a moment of lapsed attention-- the freezer, bathroom cabinets, lodged in spines of books, in my computer case, in my jewelry box. Nowhere. It was as if it had disappeared, and I had no recollection of where it could have travelled. Suddenly, the driver's license took on symbolic value, and I collapsed into tears-- who am I, I wondered. What do I have here, in Indiana, in a place where all I do is work and I'm surrounded by strip malls? How has my life shifted so much in the last few years? Agata and Valentina no longer sells heart-shaped pasta-- when did that happen? Exbf's apartment hasn't changed, but our relationship has. In DC my friends' lives go on, while I race to keep up remotely with engagements and parties and weeknight gatherings over cocktails and television. It was like I was the one who was lost, not just my license. I cried for what I'd lost and for what I feared I'd never find.
I don't know where my life stands right now, but I know that getting it back on track won't be as easy as getting another license (even though I have to re-take my written test). It will always be easier for exbf and harder for me, but I wish I had a solution for that; resignation is simply not good enough. It's just too easy to lose myself, to lose him, to lose myself because I've lost him and what I've counted on for the last three years.
And now it chills me to the bone.
But I want desperately to re-emerge, triumphant and in love and surrounded by beauty and satisfaction. I'd like to think it's like stardust-- you believe in it hard enough and it drops on your shoulders and suffuses your life in warm light.
"Then, after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"
Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the wait was so worth it.

"How perilous is it to choose not to love the life we're shown?"


Anonymous said...

this was a very pure and honest post thank you for sharing something so personal and painful. But its good you're expressing it, its helps alleviate some of the stress and pain. I guess you have finally closed the door on this man, as important as he was to you, you can now try to move on and not always worry and wonder about him. not that you'll immediately snap back, but you can start to sort things out. I feel like this time in your life is a test almost. Can you make it through this break up again and this odd living situation. maybe its not for the long haul, but not everything can be perfect every moment, those people who believe that are just delusional. you need some trials to figure out who you are, because think about it, its impossible to know yourself and move on if you're in a perfectly content place, b/c in that perfect content place you wouldn't even be thinking about any need to move on. you wouldn't be changing, growing, evolving, finding yourself. it may be painful now, but soon you'll find that right place, that right boy, it may take awhile for both of them or even one. but this dark period will help you understand hopefully

I apologize if I come off as overly Dear Abby here or self righteous, but like you, I feel a bit out of place (I haven't suffered a bad break up fortunately though), but I know that I can get through this and as much as I am physically and emotionally exhausted by this atmosphere its helping to determine who I really am, what I really need, and what I really want.

good luck!

Chesley said...

Darling girl, I've been singing Heart's "Alone" at the top of my lungs in my car for three weeks now, though I'm sure I only know an inkling of what you're going through.
What I do know, with certainty, is this: "Shadows Bring the Starlight," right? You may not see them now, but the stars are there, and the stardust will fall on your shoulders, and you will see the sparkle it brings in time.
'Till then, we sing Heart at the top of our lungs.