31 December 2007

Where to start?

It's that time of year again...

Time to forge a new path and accept the passing of minutes, hours, days, weeks. Time to sum up your entire year's successes and failures in pithy remarks we call "resolutions." Time to cast away the lead weights that you have tied around your ankles.
I have always had a tough time with turning points or any sort of change. I seem to never be happy with where I am in the moment but rather live in the past or the future. One of the main problems about this particular change, from 2007 to 2008, is that for a while there I was perfectly happy where I was in the moment. Remember how I talked about the "Something Good" moment? I had months of that moment and then proceeded to lose it because of the extenuating circumstances surrounding my disaster of a year. I know you should cast off feelings of negativity, but I don't quite know how to let go of the blame factor-- those things that I feel interfered and ruined that moment. New Years last year felt like the beginning of something...and then so much went wrong. Life happened, I think the saying goes. How exactly do you let go of that anger, blame, disappointment, and worst of all, the hope? The hope is the worst part, because it leaves you dormant, stagnant, being a Miss Havisham and hoping that the thing that gave you such extreme happiness might possibly stumble back into your life. That hope makes you think that the world might not be so blighted...but at the same time, it freezes you. I don't know how to break free from being frozen by everything that's happened, good and bad!
On the bright side, I know that I've already taken some steps toward positive change. While the conficts with Former Employer from Hell still exist, I do now have a new position! They even know about my plans for graduate school and support them wholeheartedly, so I don't have to lie about my intentions to leave. I really feel waves of goodness about this job. I think that I may finally be appreciated for who I am and the strengths I bring! My energy will be an asset, my quirks will be complements, and perhaps life will even regain a glimmer of fairy dust. I'm also almost done with my graduate school applications. Once those are in (and the GRE is done) I will feel such a sense of relief.
New Year's is hard for everyone. For me, it will always be associated with loss (of my grandparents) and gain (of love), paradoxically. But one thing I will always be sure of is that it will never be the WAHOO!!! celebration that it is for so many. It's a good thing that I will be with some of my friendship soulmates tomorrow...perhaps if I lose it at midnight, one of them will bestow upon me a supportive shoulder instead of the customary smooch.

"Come to your senses,
Defenses are not the way to go
And you know, or at least you knew
Everything's strange, you've changed
And I don't know what to do to get through
I don't know what to do...."

1 comment:

ana said...

Hi stumbled upon your blog through 20-somethings.
New year for me has never been about resolutions, to start with I am not iron willed and the queen of procrastination, not the best of mix to upkeep a resolution.
anyway, have a happy new year.I'll add you to my list of reads.