31 January 2008

You don't believe in signs...

Do you believe in signs? More aptly, do you believe in fate? I have always balked against the idea of being fated, about having your future written for you. Last year I read Never Let Me Go and felt the need to put it in a shredder. Forget murder, forget thievery...it's the idea of being scripted that frightens me like none other. Being predestined. Not having any say in the course of your life. A world in which fighting for what you want is futile, because it has already been decided.
That said, I am still extremely superstitious and look to the universe for signs, most often in my love life. I don't want to think about these as rules, as evidence of what has already been written for me. I prefer to think of them as sign posts-- you know "turn right to get to stress and despair," "cross bridge to find fulfillment." Sign posts telling me what I should do, and if I take the wrong path, my life will be forever altered (and not in the good way).
Lately I've been confronted with instances that seem too blatantly like potentially life-altering signs to ignore. You may recall the instance of the refrigerator that I ranted about last week. In short, my refrigerator died (and smelled up my entire apartment) and my rental agency delayed and delayed about getting the old monstrosity out and getting me a new odor-free kitchen appliance. So finally they call me and tell me that my new refrigerator is in my apartment, only...when I return home refrigerator is nowhere to be found. I soon discover that my rental agency has confused my apartment, 1A, with the one below mine, A, and they have unplugged my poor downstairs neighbor's refrigerator, taken all of his food out, carted the old one away, and given him my new refrigerator. Later that night he has to deal with warm smelly milk and a crew of maintenance people unplugging the new refrigerator, re-plugging his old refrigerator, and carting the new fridge out of his apartment and up the stairs to mine.
The next day I am cooking (food which had previously been refrigerated in my new refrigerator) and heaving dishes into the dishwasher, with lots and lots of dishsoap since what seemed like months worth of dishes had piled up ignored in my kitchen. I bring my food into the living room and am watching TV when I hear my doorbell ring...I peer through the peephole. "Hello?" I call. "Yeah, it's the Super, you have a leak?" "Ummm, no, I don't think so," I say. "Well your downstairs neighbor says water is leaking through his ceiling...can I come in and check?" So I let him in, look to my left, and proceed to freak out, because there are three feet of suds in my kitchen, rising by the moment. This was a movie-worthy amount of suds. So not only did I cause my downstairs neighbor some spoiled food and a replaced (but then not) refrigerator, I also flooded his apartment.
I should explain that I didn't know my downstairs neighbor. We've passed each other in the hall a few times, always smiled at each other. I've always thought he was attractive. I've always felt terrible because my delivery food is frequently delivered to him instead of me, so he has to be the one to direct deliverymen up the stairs and answer the door for no reason. But we never knew each other's names. That is, until tonight.
Tonight I managed to lock myself out of my apartment. I knocked on four doors on my floor, and nobody answered. And then I went downstairs, knocked on his door...and he answered. He lent me his phone so I could call my rental agency and then a locksmith, and he let me sit in his apartment with him for an hour until the locksmith arrived. We laughed about the delivery, refrigerator, and flooding disasters and wondered how we'd never actually met before. He showed himself to be not just physically attractive but also to be sensitive, artistic, kind, and intelligent, and I found myself being able to talk naturally to a new guy for the first time in a very long time. And also to feel...a spark?...that I also haven't felt for someone new in a while.
So what does all of it mean? This man lives with his girlfriend, so clearly it's not that we're supposed to be together. But at the same time, all signs seemed to be pointing toward us needing to meet...what is it all about? On a related note, I just watched Eli Stone. Watch it. It's brilliant, and you'll see how it relates.


Chele said...

I totally get what you mean! I mean why would anyone send me someone I am destined to meet and not end up with them right?

It reminds me of that Alanis song Ironic the line
^Its like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife^

Its not ironic it is a cruel joke someone of higher powers like to play. Even if he has a girlfriend and you have a connection its nothing wrong with that. Like my mom says whats meant to happen will happen, whatever that means.
Remember that cheesy but great movie serendipity? see it.

I am not sure what I believe anymore, I have romantic stories that feel pre-destined, but also pre-doomed.

give it some time and you will find out, in the meanwhile enjoy that spark.

p.s thank you for the alice link, LOVED IT, want cake and tea NOW!!

Pomegranate said...

I beleive!!

That is the cutest (romance comedy movie-worthy) story.. I beleive u were destined to meet. Why? I don't know..

Wait and see ;)