04 February 2008
I really want to be this girl (image from The Sartorialist):Or this girl (image from Lucky):Or most definitely this girl! This gorgeous, rocking, chica:
I don't know, lately I've just been wishing I could look different. I love being a redhead, I love my smattering of freckles, I love my big eyes and big lips...but lately I've definitely been less than satisfied with my body. I feel like I haven't gained weight but rather that it has redistributed itself. And I don't believe in dieting-- how do you enjoy life when you aren't letting yourself eat? I get envious of girls I see on the street, especially those super-skinny-pulled-together-Uptown-girls that I see everywhere. When did we start living in a world in which size 6 is fat? Or is that just New York?
I don't know, maybe I'm just picking on myself and finding reasons to be dissatisfied. Around this time of year I always get antsy. In a few weeks I will turn 24...and I am dreading it. I do not do well with birthdays, especially even number birthdays. I had a small crisis when I turned 20 and tried to relive all of my teen years in a single night; I cried hysterically for two hours when I turned 22; and I foresee a similar reaction this year. I hate even numbers to begin with. It's a weird quirk. But I feel like the past 3 even-number birthdays have been turning points at which I'd expected to have accomplished so much more and have so much more going for me at that point in my life.
Last year I had the amazing, city girl living the life birthday. I had the big party with my friends, with champagne and dancing. I had several birthday dinners. I had the fantastic boy and the anticipation of the gift he swore was "perfect" (it was, plus our lovely night out on the town, and of course the cuddles). My parents were in town for the weekend and treated me to all sorts of goodies.
None of that really applies this year. My parents aren't coming in, and I don't even expect them to give me any gifts because they've been helping me so much with rent. I have no urge to have the big party or even to go out. I am no longer with The Boy. Grad school stuff is still very up in the air, so I'm unsettled about that. I know I don' want to do nothing for my birthday (since I know that if I ignore it I'll find myself spontaneously crying alone in my apartment) but at the same time I can't think of anything I want to do or anywhere I want to go. And of course money is an issue.
I was studying abroad in England on my 21st birthday. My roommate Jenny surprised me with an entirely planned-0ut evening, starting out a trip to Oscar Wilde's favorite teahouse. Next was dinner with all of my friends at a French restaurant (dressing up of course), where we bought champagne and delicious food. My friends gave me books of poetry (Jenny gave me The Decadent Cookbook) and we adjourned to Freud, a decadent Oxford bar and restaurant in an old church. We talked until 3 in the morning. I didn't take 21 shots. I didn't even kiss 21 men. But it was magical.
I don't have much hope for a magical birthday this year, especially since I don't know what I want. And I don't have a Jenny here to plan something for me. Last night while brainstorming I almost felt like some of my friends were planning a birthday celebration for them instead of for me.
Any suggestions? I'm clueless here. I want something laid back and classy and entirely me...where I don't have to deal with trashy drunk men.