04 February 2008

Almost-birthday blues

I really want to be this girl (image from The Sartorialist):Or this girl (image from Lucky):Or most definitely this girl! This gorgeous, rocking, chica:
I don't know, lately I've just been wishing I could look different. I love being a redhead, I love my smattering of freckles, I love my big eyes and big lips...but lately I've definitely been less than satisfied with my body. I feel like I haven't gained weight but rather that it has redistributed itself. And I don't believe in dieting-- how do you enjoy life when you aren't letting yourself eat? I get envious of girls I see on the street, especially those super-skinny-pulled-together-Uptown-girls that I see everywhere. When did we start living in a world in which size 6 is fat? Or is that just New York?
I don't know, maybe I'm just picking on myself and finding reasons to be dissatisfied. Around this time of year I always get antsy. In a few weeks I will turn 24...and I am dreading it. I do not do well with birthdays, especially even number birthdays. I had a small crisis when I turned 20 and tried to relive all of my teen years in a single night; I cried hysterically for two hours when I turned 22; and I foresee a similar reaction this year. I hate even numbers to begin with. It's a weird quirk. But I feel like the past 3 even-number birthdays have been turning points at which I'd expected to have accomplished so much more and have so much more going for me at that point in my life.
Last year I had the amazing, city girl living the life birthday. I had the big party with my friends, with champagne and dancing. I had several birthday dinners. I had the fantastic boy and the anticipation of the gift he swore was "perfect" (it was, plus our lovely night out on the town, and of course the cuddles). My parents were in town for the weekend and treated me to all sorts of goodies.
None of that really applies this year. My parents aren't coming in, and I don't even expect them to give me any gifts because they've been helping me so much with rent. I have no urge to have the big party or even to go out. I am no longer with The Boy. Grad school stuff is still very up in the air, so I'm unsettled about that. I know I don' want to do nothing for my birthday (since I know that if I ignore it I'll find myself spontaneously crying alone in my apartment) but at the same time I can't think of anything I want to do or anywhere I want to go. And of course money is an issue.
I was studying abroad in England on my 21st birthday. My roommate Jenny surprised me with an entirely planned-0ut evening, starting out a trip to Oscar Wilde's favorite teahouse. Next was dinner with all of my friends at a French restaurant (dressing up of course), where we bought champagne and delicious food. My friends gave me books of poetry (Jenny gave me The Decadent Cookbook) and we adjourned to Freud, a decadent Oxford bar and restaurant in an old church. We talked until 3 in the morning. I didn't take 21 shots. I didn't even kiss 21 men. But it was magical.
I don't have much hope for a magical birthday this year, especially since I don't know what I want. And I don't have a Jenny here to plan something for me. Last night while brainstorming I almost felt like some of my friends were planning a birthday celebration for them instead of for me.
Any suggestions? I'm clueless here. I want something laid back and classy and entirely me...where I don't have to deal with trashy drunk men.


Katelin said...

As much as it sucks to get older, I have never dreaded a birthday even when I didn't have big plans to go with it. I recommend a chill night at a wine bar, or bowling or a pool hall or somewhere laid back where you can have fun with some friends and not have it be such a big deal if you don't want to go all out this year. But hey it's your birthday so I say just do what you want and goooo with it :)

Chele said...

First of all I love your red hair (I mean that is you lowing soap bubbles in your profile pic?) I have always loved what I dont have, red hair is one them. Get you on the need to feel different and new look, but let me say this if that is you in your profile pic, you look so much more goregous than those women. Your have personality (a good thing) and it shines. wieght is always a demon for women, I struggled being to heavy and struggled being to thin..I am never satisfied.

I love your blog because your posts are so capturing and that makes you beautiful, pictures can make you look pretty but pictures do lie and decieve, but your thought is what makes you beautiful.

When is your birthday? Hey if I was in NY I would take you out for some mad margaritas and make you wear a sombrero. but I will give you online birthday wishes. as for laid back classy...wine nights at home with lots of cheese, crackers, candles, homemade nibbles, good music , good people = a wonderful evening with good conversation

Pomegranate said...

I'm sooo not a birthday celebration type of girl.. I don't know, we just never made a big deal out of it growing up.

And now that I've turned 24, I dread my birthday more than a dentist's appointment.

I love the pics u chose btw!

Just Jamie said...

The thing about 24 & 25 is that your weight does seem to redistribute itself. It took me a long time to get used to. It's def more womanly & pretty though.

Redheads are beautiful, I just dyed mine red & I love it! You're beautiful & unique, that's waaay better than being cookie cutter.

Thanks for your sweet comment. It made my day:)

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

I feel your pain about the getting older thing, I'll be 28 in a couple weeks. I perpetually think of myself as 23-24....because I feel at that age I was allowed to not have everything together. At 28, who knows.