14 November 2008
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?
I have recently forced myself to start dating. Forced is the operative word here, and the rationale behind the decision is pretty threadbare: that it is cuddling weather, that Roommate is in the throes of something new and fresh and adorable, and that I'm missing the days when somebody looked at me with that fire and intensity. I have no idea how to date. This is completely new to me-- especially since the situation is so forced, with me trying out this whole online thing. It's as if an airplane should be flying behind every guy I meet, trailing a sign that spells out AWKWARD. I guess I've been spoiled in the past. Things have been relatively easy. We've met and stars shone and twinkled and universes exploded and I knew, without doubt, that this person would be important and meaningful in my life. I'm starting to lose faith in the sparkles. But at the same time, I just discount guy after guy because they don't send me spinning through a kaleidescopic frenzy of color and light-- and I want to hit the moon, as Doris Day would say.
I struggle with this idea of whether the magic is instantaneous-- or at least arrives over the course of a few hours' good conversation-- or whether it creeps in on tiptoe...it arrives unexpectedly, wonder spontaneously churning through someone previously deemed unremarkable. I don't know. I just know that I will never tolerate being called ordinary, and I could never spend my time with someone who is less than extraordinary. But when does that marvelousness manifest itself?? How many mediocres do I have to wade through?
I just want someone to drink hot apple cider with. jump in leaves with. make my cold toes warm. send golden champagne sparks of love and wonder shivering up and down my spine.