I think my heart may be crippled

Or I'm numb.  I think that I have forgotten how to feel.  What is WRONG with me?

I just spent the evening with a fantastic boy-- interesting, intelligent, thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful, which leaves me speechless and pink-cheeked.  But more like a "please stop that" pink-cheeked than a pleased and gracious pink-cheeked.  He, pardon my vulgarity of language, just kissed my face off, but I was not swept away.  Far from it.  I found myself planning my day for tomorrow and slowly panicking.  I wish I could be honest with him, but I have no idea what I am feeling.  My brain appears to have turned into chocolate pudding.  And my heart into moss-covered stone.  Moss-covered because I don't like to think that my heart could ever be that hardened, but maybe I underestimated the extent to which my past hurts have shaped me.  And my past loves, for that matter.  I just got so used to those feelings flooding in and overwhelming me, making me feel like I might deflate if Exbf ever left. Granted, that is not the healthiest of positions, but the point is that passion seemed to make my puzzle pieces fit together.  The way his eyelashes grazed his cheek when he sighed.  The way my heart pounded when he touched my hand, but it maintained its rhythm and never turned threatening-- it was a rush within reason.  The way we fit and I never questioned why.  Was that just my innocence?  Has it been taken over by jadedness and self-preservation?  I dread that the answer may be yes.  I hope that Fitzgerald's belief about second acts will not be prescient here...but the fact that I am terrified is just as worrisome.  Sigh.

Hello, is there anybody in there

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone home

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.  I need some information first

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

Okay

Just a little pin-prick

There'll be no more-- ah ha ha

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up

I do believe it's working.  Good.

That'll keep you going for the show

Come on, it's time to go

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb.