29 December 2008

Floating down moon river

I am a thinker, and right now I am not enjoying that fact.  I am making myself miserable by analyzing issues that are not even issues.  And once again, this blog has gotten far more personal and whiny than it was originally intended to be.  Seriously, what is the point of reviewing the events of Friday over and over and over, when I myself am not even sure what I am feeling?  Maybe I should just lay low and let things work themselves out, without effort or stress on my part.  Stress is only there if I make it.  Stress is only there if I make it.  If things fizzle, clearly that was meant to happen.  I will be more passive than I am normally comfortable being.  I will focus on the beauty in my own life.  I will focus on ME.  
My friend Emmy has been a source of wisdom lately, and she's illuminated that I've been moving so fast in trying to get my life together that I've been forgetting to live it.  I have been trying to fix job, friends, boyfriend, graduate school, all at once...and in the process I am making myself miserable.  I have been making drama for myself when perhaps none is there.
Someone asked me the other day what makes me happy.  I found myself lighting up and babbling about beauty and the little things.  Dogs with curly ears.  Photography.  Intertwining vines.  Vintage clothing.  A discarded tube of lip gloss glinting in a puddle.  Poetry.  Words words words words words.  Wide-brimmed hats and crimson lips.  Music.  Anything that bubbles.  I worry that in my insistence that I need to move on, I am almost doing myself a disservice.  
Maybe things are supposed to be a little bit out of place.  I need to embrace fuzziness and coloring outside the lines.  I am not supposed to have a perfect life right now.  I read about Dabrowski and his Theory of Positive Disintegration, in which he basically states that those individuals who go through the most angst and anxiety become the most evolved, artistic, empathetic individuals-- they are the movers, the shapers, the names in tomorrow's papers.
Life is being good to me; now I just need to be good to me.

"And I say there's trouble when everything is fine.  The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time.  And just as love's silhouette appears I close my eyes and disappear tonight." 
~Rilo Kiley
"I believe in you my soul, the other I am must not abase itself to you,
And you must not be abased by the other." ~Walt Whitman
"I need shine, I need shine, I need shine." ~Laura Marling
"The supposed great misery of our century is the lack of time; our sense of that, not a disinterested love of science, and certainly not wisdom, is why we devote such a huge proportion of the ingenuity and income of our societies to finding faster ways of doing things--as if the final aim of mankind was to grow closer not to a perfect humanity, but to a perfect lightning flash."
~John Fowles, The French Lieutenant's Woman

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