18 February 2009
I am so sorry to have dropped off the earth. First it was because of teacher duties, and then it was (sadly) because my beautiful wonderful grandmother suddenly became ill and passed away. I was able to fly back to Cleveland to spend last days with her, and I have no regrets-- I know that she knew how much I loved her. But still, I feel as if part of my heart were cracked and part of my brain were tethered on a string to her, wherever she may be now...my brain is not here with me.
My grandmother was bravery and strength and unconditional love. She was beauty and appreciation and generosity. She was forget-me-nots ("don't forget me's") and honey cake, velvet pillows and porcelain dancers. She gave me a porcelain Siamese cat when I was about 10 years old, with the most beautiful green jewelled eyes. She started my teacup collection. She was the source of so much of my laughter and pride. Her hands and her heart were beautiful and soft and resilient.
I find myself, now, completely befuddled without her. My birthday will be on Friday, in 2 days, and all I can think about is how I will not get that card in the mail, in her loopy grandmother handwriting, bringing me love and wishes. I am supposed to roll on, blithely, teaching the Holocaust unit to uncaring youths while my Holocaust survivor grandmother lays in the ground. And I don't know if I am strong enough to withstand the ache.
I want for some magic fairy dust that will bring her back. I want for lace and lilacs, lilacs over-spilling their vase, crawling for closeness and love of her.
"Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won't let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter night
I will read all their dreams to the stars
I'll walk on with them
I'll call all their names
I'll see their thoughts are known
Not gone, not gone
They walk with my heart
And I'll never let them go
Never let them go
You watch me, just watch me
I'm calling and one day all will know."