11 July 2009
Again, I didn't sleep at all last night. I tried, but my head kept turning and glinting like a disco ball (and not in the good way). I thought about jobs. I pictured you holding me, draping your arm across me no matter how I shifted, and I tried to shove the picture out of my mind with a magic eraser. I pictured your (different you) curls out of control and exuberant and you looking at me while I asked "why?", your face impassive. I measured my school pictures against heinous ex-best-friend, whose ugly inside fails to be recognized by those who praise her and adore her and propose to her. I plotted out job strategies and Plan B's and the perfect way to phrase my desire to work in the public school system that enforces so many plans that I detest.
Back to the first "you" now. Having just spoken to you, I've realized that your love will always be one step behind mine, as true as it once was. I struggle to visualize what is on your mind. You always dial reality down, whereas I dial it up until it becomes everything, an orangeredpurpleblue bonfire that takes over my life and emotions. I don't want to be that person who draws larger outlines around her "loves" so that they will measure up to the mold. I don't want to compete with your happiness.
Truly, I just want to sleep and have the curtain go down in my brain tonight, for at least one night.
"Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I can stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should..."