24 July 2009

The violet hour

With the constant insomnia, insipid classmates, a nagging mother, a shortage of job availability, continued silence in response to my many applications, a once-believed soulmate who is moving on with his life and leaving me in the dust...with all of that, it's easy to give in to despair.  In fact, I wasted 45 minutes today on a crying spree that began with the musical montage at the end of One Tree Hill (I'm pathetic sometimes) and then segued into a miserable lament about my current state of affairs.  What did that accomplish, though, I wonder?  

Look, I'm not one of those people who necessarily believes that I can just choose to not be upset.  New Guy did that-- he'd just choose to not address it, but shutting out pain is shutting out half of life, and that means that you live a shallow existence.  Still, I do believe that you can take care of yourself and try to make your world a little more beautiful.  I'm trying to save money, so the normal solution to the doldrums-- mani/pedi-- is out of the question.  Instead I'm going to start taking pictures again.  I'm going to do my own nails in Easter egg purple.  And I'm going to find a way to drink champagne tomorrow night.  But for right now I'm going to just dwell in some beauty, in these things that I love...(the photos are mine)

these fireworks look like upside-down mini-hearts
my freshmen :-)
goat cheese-stuffed figs at the Tabard Inn
I saw this duck sitting placidly on the edge of a fountain in the middle of the city
our shadows on the swingset
the green cottage at the beach
this little girl playing in the surf
when my hair waves just perfectly-- beach hair and bed head combined

"This is the violet hour, the hour of hush and wonder, when the affections glow again and valor is reborn, when the shadows deepen magically along the edge of the forest and we believe that, if we watch carefully, at any moment we may see the unicorn."

"Crisp cluster
plunged in shadow.
Drops of violet water
and raw sunlight
floated up with your scent.
A fresh
subterranean beauty
climbed up from your buds
thrilling my eyes and my life."


"...all perfume and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes."

1 comment:

jayne said...

you have to acknowledge the pain at some point. although it may not seem particularly constructive at the time if you try and tough it up constantly and never admit your true feelings then you will live a stifled fake existence. you will be all the more strong and confident if you let yourself cry when you need to instead of holding it in. if you can get these negative emotions out now, you can eventually move on. it seems hard to do, but your little collage of happiness is a nice reminder of all the amazing things you do have. remember, just because you're broke financially and emotionally doesn't mean you can't make it through this a better woman. the economy will go back up soon hopefully along with your application responses and your love life will turn around at the right time. but for now its okay to have these lower moments, you really do need them to emerge out of this a whole person again